Dear Body, I am sorry. Forget I said anything.

A few months ago, I started mulling over the idea of getting a new laptop. Nothing was set in stone, but the idea was circling my brain. About a month ago, I officially decided that this summer, I will indeed purchase a new computer. I told my parents. I mentioned it at work. I posted about it on Facebook (using the very computer I’m soon ditching). None of this went by my current computer. It is not happy. And to show how unhappy it is, it’s started learning new “tricks.”

For instance, a couple of weeks ago, the battery decided it had had enough with the whole charging thing. It simply decided to live as the trophy wife of my laptop, never working another day in its life. And soon the charging cable was jealous. Not as selfish as the battery, it only quits half the time. How generous.

I’m beginning to regret ever uttering a word about wanting to replace my old, tired laptop. And the same can be said for my old, tired body.

This month, I finally hit the milestone every woman approaches with just a touch of trepidation and intense flop sweats – I hit 30. And ever since then, I’ve made joke after joke about how tired I am, how creaky my bones are, how wide I look in pictures (those are the “laugh to keep from crying” jokes). And my body has heard all of it. And it is not amused.

So in keeping with my sense of sarcasm and dry wit, my body is showing me just how crappy things can really be with its own set of new tricks. In the past few weeks, I have had:

  • A sore throat so painful and swollen that I couldn’t swallow or talk for three days, accompanied by body aches and fever – (I was forced to carry around a notepad and pen and eat Jell-O. I hate Jell-O. Food shouldn’t wiggle.)
  • Popped ears featuring the soothing sounds of an underwater current and what I imagine a dog whistle sounds like
  • Intense nausea making me reconsider ever getting pregnant for fear of morning sickness – (This is my present hell.)

Ok, Body. I get it, and I’m sorry. Please forget I ever complained.